Let’s start with some honesty: setbacks suck. They have this way of showing up uninvited, kicking over your confidence, and making themselves at home in your head. I should know. A few years back, I bombed a big work presentation so badly that even I wanted to fire me. It was one of those moments where you just want the earth to open up and swallow you whole.
But here’s the thing—after wallowing in self-pity for a respectable 24 hours (ice cream and Netflix were heavily involved), I realized something: I could either let that failure define me or use it to learn and get better. Spoiler alert: I chose the second option. And that, my friend, is what having a growth mindset is all about.
But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. What even is a growth mindset? And how do you actually develop one without sounding like you’re living in a motivational poster? Grab a coffee, and let’s chat.
Why Do Setbacks Feel So Personal?
First, can we all agree that setbacks have a way of feeling like personal attacks? Miss a deadline at work? You’re obviously incompetent. Didn’t get that promotion? Clearly, you’re not cut out for leadership. Spill coffee on yourself during a meeting? Everyone knows you’re a disaster now.
Our brains are so good at jumping to the worst conclusions. Why? Because, according to psychologists like Dr. Carol Dweck, many of us grow up with a fixed mindset. This is the belief that our abilities and talents are set in stone—like a really unfortunate haircut from middle school. If you’re good at something, it’s because you’re naturally gifted. If you fail, it must mean you’re not good enough.
Sound familiar? Yeah, me too. But here’s the thing: that’s a load of nonsense.
What Is a Growth Mindset, Really?
A growth mindset is the opposite of all that doom and gloom. It’s the belief that skills and abilities aren’t fixed; they’re more like Play-Doh—malleable, shapeable, and sometimes weirdly sticky. People with a growth mindset see challenges as opportunities to improve, not as proof they’re destined to fail.
Think of it this way: when you were learning to ride a bike as a kid, you didn’t give up after falling once, right? You dusted yourself off, probably cried a little, and got back on the bike. Somewhere along the line, though, we start expecting ourselves to be perfect right out of the gate. That’s where the growth mindset comes in—it’s about rewiring your brain to see mistakes as part of the process.
A Tale of Two Mindsets (and Why I Learned the Hard Way)
Let me share a story. Back in college, I failed a calculus exam. And by “failed,” I mean spectacularly. I’m talking a grade so low it could have been mistaken for the temperature in Antarctica. My first thought? Math isn’t my thing. I’ll never get this.
But then I had a professor who refused to let me wallow. She told me, “You’re not bad at math. You just haven’t figured out how to study it yet.” So I tried again—different study methods, group sessions, asking more questions—and, shockingly, I got better. By the end of the semester, I passed the class with a respectable grade. It wasn’t magic. It was effort.
Contrast that with the time I flubbed a job interview years later. Instead of reflecting or asking for feedback, I sulked and convinced myself I just wasn’t “interview material.” Growth mindset? Nowhere to be found. And guess which approach worked better in the long run?
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How Science Backs Up a Growth Mindset
Here’s the cool part: it’s not just self-help mumbo-jumbo. There’s actual science behind the growth mindset. Neuroscientists talk about something called neuroplasticity—basically, your brain’s ability to rewire itself. Every time you try something challenging, your brain builds new pathways. Over time, those pathways get stronger, making you better at the task. It’s like going to the gym, but for your brain. (And honestly, it’s way less sweaty.)
Dr. Dweck’s studies also show that praising effort over talent makes a huge difference. For example, instead of telling your kid, “You’re so smart!” after they ace a test, try saying, “You worked really hard on that, and it paid off!” This subtle shift encourages them to see success as something they can control, not some innate magic they either have or don’t.
How to Actually Cultivate a Growth Mindset
Okay, so now we know what a growth mindset is and why it matters. But how do you go from nodding along to actually changing the way you think? It’s not like flipping a switch—it’s more like training a stubborn puppy. Here’s how to get started:
1. Talk to Yourself Differently
When you catch yourself saying, “I’m terrible at this,” add one little word: yet. Suddenly, “I’m terrible at public speaking” becomes “I’m terrible at public speaking yet.” It’s a tiny change, but it opens the door for improvement. Plus, it sounds way less final.
2. Stop Worshipping Perfection
Perfection is overrated (and frankly, exhausting). The next time you make a mistake, remind yourself that nobody—literally nobody—gets everything right the first time. Even Beyoncé didn’t wake up flawless; she worked for it.
3. Focus on the Process, Not Just the Outcome
Instead of obsessing over the end goal, celebrate the steps along the way. For example, if you’re learning a new language, don’t beat yourself up for not being fluent yet. Celebrate the fact that you’ve mastered ordering coffee without accidentally insulting someone’s grandmother.
4. Get Comfortable With Discomfort
Growth happens outside your comfort zone. If something feels hard or awkward, that’s a sign you’re stretching yourself. Embrace it. Or, at the very least, tolerate it with lots of snacks.
5. Ask for Feedback
Constructive criticism can sting, but it’s one of the best ways to improve. The next time someone offers you feedback, resist the urge to get defensive. Instead, ask yourself, “How can I use this to get better?”
6. Surround Yourself With Growth-Minded People
You know that saying, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with”? Choose those five wisely. Hang out with people who challenge and inspire you, not ones who bring you down.
Current Examples of Growth Mindset in Action
Take a look around, and you’ll see examples of the growth mindset everywhere. Athletes like Simone Biles and Novak Djokovic openly talk about how they view setbacks as opportunities to get better. Even Taylor Swift—yes, the queen of music herself—has spoken about how criticism and missteps have pushed her to evolve as an artist. And let’s not forget the pandemic years, when so many people learned new skills, pivoted careers, or just figured out how to survive homeschooling their kids. Talk about resilience.
When the Going Gets Tough, Remember This
Look, cultivating a growth mindset doesn’t mean you’ll suddenly love failure or feel super motivated all the time. Some days, you’ll want to quit. That’s normal. But the trick is to keep going anyway.
One thing that helps me is keeping a “failure file.” Anytime I mess up, I write down what happened and what I learned from it. Over time, it’s become a reminder that every setback I’ve faced has taught me something valuable. It’s also kind of hilarious to look back on some of the things I thought were the end of the world (like the time I accidentally sent an email meant for one coworker to the entire company).
An Uplifting Note to End On
Here’s the truth: setbacks are inevitable. But they’re also temporary. You are not your failures. You are what you choose to do after them.
The next time life hands you a setback, take a breath. Remind yourself that you’re a work in progress, not a finished product. And then take one small step forward—because every step, no matter how tiny, brings you closer to the person you’re becoming.
As they say, fall seven times, stand up eight—and maybe grab a coffee while you’re at it. You’ve got this.